I’m one of those annoying people who LOVES Chistmas. I love that festive feeling, I love glittering lights, seeing your breath on icy air, the decorations, the smiles, the giving, the mulled wine, mince pies, turkey, presents. But of late…it just leaves me feeling a bit chill.
I can’t regain that childish excitement anymore and the harder I try, the less people around me seem willing to. Or is it just that I’m refusing to grow up? Or are they trying and I’m resisiting? Whatever it is, not being able to achieve that magical feeling leaves me with an empty hole in my chest where the joy used to be. I just want to cry. Christmas is always all over before the excitement begun. Sometimes I just think I’ve forgotten to feel excited. Sometimes I think I’ve forgotten what I love. Or maybe it’s just time that I moved on.
Add to this confusion my inner anorexic who always struggles at this time of year however many Cadbury’s selection boxes I throw at her, well, I guess my Ho, Ho Ho is reduced to more of a humph.
Be that as it may, I saw a lot of friends and family and tried my best to make merry this year. I hate the thought that the people around me can suspect my lack of enthusiasm so I hope I helped other people feel Christmassy. I got some lovely, thoughtful gifts and I know that I am grateful for all I have, under the grey mulch that covers my heart.
And now it’s New Year and I’m frightened. Winter is a baaaaad time for me as I know it is for a lot of you. The endless dark and cold and the feeling that I have a chance to begin again with a fresh year…if only I could escape my rut. The resolutions that make me feel hopeful for about a week and then guilty because I haven’t stuck to them and then depressed for being a failure.
So this year I am going to be positive and realistic. I am setting myself only one achievable New Year’s Resolution:
1. Involve myself fully in my BPD treatment, which starts on the 7th Jan, and do my darndest to make the most of the opportunuty.
Wish me luck!
I’d love to hear what you’re looking for from 2015. I know we can make this year a good one. I know I have the support and I hope you do too.