One more group and individual therapy down and I feel like I’m too tired to fight anymore. Obviously I’m too scared of authority to actually stop now but I’m so tired.
Yesterday’s group session was a lot about anger – I mean real, smashing plates, punching people, screaming sort of anger – an emotion I am not very familiar with. So I zoned out and there is little else about it that I could tell you.
I brought it up in my individual therapy and it is suggested that something in my childhood has made me feel the need to protect myself from anger and so I disassociate – a way of protecting myself but a way I have become too reliant on since and so is dangerous. But really? I don’t think my family were ever the sort to show conflict, underlying, brooding anger is the sort I’m used to, not this monstrous, violent anger which still terrifies me. The only real anger I’ve had directed at me has come in an abusive relationship in the past, and following certain mistakes in the last couple of years that have upset people. So am I beginning to doubt my treatment already? Or am I just afraid?
I was also told to picture myself as child me and play with my favourite toys and try to work out what was missing. I chose my Sylvanian Family barge and the Otters I had to go with it. It was fun and safe but I felt a bit silly talking about it as an adult. I think I’ve forgotten how to be playful. I would like to be more playful. But, does everything that shape us always stem from childhood? I realise that this is at the core of Schema Therapy but will I not get the chance to chat about things that happened after I turned 18?
I guess I’ll have to wait and see.