Black and Grey

Various things have been getting me down lately. Old guilts resurfacing, unhappy friends needing someone to confide in, acting in a play where my character is constantly bullied, feeling like I’m putting on weight, treatment focusing my mind on sad things, strings of bad dreams, feeling like humans, on the whole, aren’t great….to name a few.47c0dd1cbbd9afc3390c25f7074ac56a

At what point is it OK to just say, “Do you know what? I’ve had enough and I want out.” But what do I even mean by that? I know I’d hate myself for letting people down. I know it’s just the old Anorexic in my head telling me I’m eating too much, and balls to letting her win. I know treatment will do me good in the long run. I know I don’t really want to give up but sometimes fighting on seems so hard. I’ve been fighting for so long and at the moment, all I seem to be fighting for is more greyness – really, is that the best I can get? Aside from drinking more (which will make me feel greedy) and moaning on to my partner (which will make me feel guilty), I don’t know what to do. Most of the time I just switch off everything.

I’ve signed a contract to try my hardest not to indulge in harmful behaviours when I feel like this, so readers, I’m asking for advice. What do you do to fight a black mood?

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4 thoughts on “Black and Grey

  1. I make time for myself 🙂 But it very much depends how i’m feeling; when feeling really grey/ down/ stressed / worried (however you wish to define it) I exercise – go for a run or play a ball sport to hammer out some aggression in a controlled, focused way.
    When I feel down / fed up / not in control, I relax – glass of wine, bath, book, paint nails, lights candles ….. think ‘fuck it!’
    Sometimes quiet time is good, other times I need to keep busy. Running gives me a good way to sort my head without getting angry or taking it out on someone else! But everyone is different.
    You are strong Nikki and must do what is right for you. Never mind letting other people down. Think of yourself and all the things you listed in your first couple of posts that you wanted to feel/ do / achieve.
    You have such a talent in writing, you’re a lovely kind person, beautiful too with a nice bloke in David (even if I did have to see him in his pants at cricket ;-)!)
    Keep going with the therapy. Don’t give up ….. remember you, yourself are worth fighting for xxx

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  2. Sometimes black moods come on and although you know why, you still can’t fight it. And sometimes they surface with no logical reason. Either way they pull at you, trying to bring you down, but usually I find its a sign that you’re on the verge of a breakthrough. Hold onto the happy thoughts and do something that makes you smile a blissful smile and like yourself. And remind yourself that this is just a temporary thing, and if you can make it through to the other side, things are about to get a whole lot better.

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