Various things have been getting me down lately. Old guilts resurfacing, unhappy friends needing someone to confide in, acting in a play where my character is constantly bullied, feeling like I’m putting on weight, treatment focusing my mind on sad things, strings of bad dreams, feeling like humans, on the whole, aren’t great….to name a few.
At what point is it OK to just say, “Do you know what? I’ve had enough and I want out.” But what do I even mean by that? I know I’d hate myself for letting people down. I know it’s just the old Anorexic in my head telling me I’m eating too much, and balls to letting her win. I know treatment will do me good in the long run. I know I don’t really want to give up but sometimes fighting on seems so hard. I’ve been fighting for so long and at the moment, all I seem to be fighting for is more greyness – really, is that the best I can get? Aside from drinking more (which will make me feel greedy) and moaning on to my partner (which will make me feel guilty), I don’t know what to do. Most of the time I just switch off everything.
I’ve signed a contract to try my hardest not to indulge in harmful behaviours when I feel like this, so readers, I’m asking for advice. What do you do to fight a black mood?