I feel kinda sad today. In fact, I felt good earlier but I’ve flipped to a weird floaty, outside of myself sadness. I feel a bit abandoned in my heart, even though I rationally know I’m not, I’m loved. A bit like I need to cling on to somebody to make me feel real and whole. Or like I’ve forgotten the purpose of what I’m for. And I’m not writing this stuff to make people worry about me. I’m sure everyone feels this way sometimes – I’m just being open about it. It’s good to be open about it.
At my last group session we talked more about the Schema Therapy Model and how it applies to BPD. Put basically, you have childhood needs including acceptance, empathy, validation of feelings, predictability etc. and these need to be fulfilled by all significant folk around you. If not then the schemas (mistrust, sense of failure, social isolation, approval seeking, unrelenting standard) develop and can be triggered at anytime during adulthood when you slip into the modes mentioned in an earlier post.
Three other modes we learnt about that I am hugely guilty of are:
Compliant Surrender – doing things to please others because it feels a safer way of coping.
Overcompensator – another coping strategy as above but being excessively attentive to help feelings of worth and battle guilt.
Demanding parent mode – needing to be practically perfect in every way or you feel you deserve to be punished.
We also discussed the fact that if certain emotions are thought of as bad or scary when you are a child, then you may confuse them as an adult. Maybe this explains my bafflement at people’s anger last week?
Thanks again to everyone for your support. x