The last few therapy sessions have been concentrating on Vulnerable Child Mode. This is a big mode in Schema Therapy for BPD, which is when you feel frightened, unloved, lost, helpless and lonely. You may look to others to rescue you. It develops in childhood if certain needs aren’t met and can lead to an odd mix of feelings of abandonment, emotional deprivation, social isolation but a dependence on others, a pessimism and risk of self-harm.
When someone is in Vulnerable Child mode, they need reassurance, hugs, support, understanding and a predictability.
So to me this all equates to being needy. I hate that feeling of being needy (but this is my punitive parent talking). I’d rather be alone than have others think I’m needy! And yet…I’m noticing I might have some issues here! I think if I’m feeling vulnerable I find myself pathetic, in ways I don’t need to go into. I try to destroy some of the good things, I test others. I like to push people away and then feel horribly abandoned when they go. And suspicious of them of if they don’t. I don’t want people to comfort me, I don’t want to be the one asking people for their time. I can’t make decisions – when I’m in this mode I need to feel that others can do the decision making for me and then feel pathetic. I’d rather cry to myself than call someone on the phone for help. My therapist says I punish myself for having needs. That is apparently unhealthy and I need to learn that I deserve to be as happy as anyone else.
It all made me sound dysfunctional but surely everyone feels like this though sometimes, right?
I need to learn to accept these needs though or I’ll never let anyone as close as they could be. I’ll always be holding something back out of fear of…rejection? Humiliation? Being hurt? Lied to? I don’t know. But it’s going to be hard and I’m scared.
Wish me luck!