I have a question for other people who suffer or have suffered from Mental Health issues: do you feel like you’re a bit scewed?

Often I can go through life feeling entirely with it and that I’m functioning “normally” but then something will hit me and I feel completely off centre. Then I start panicking about what other people see when they look at me. Do I seem anxious, on edge, ticky, sad, depressed, hyper? Is something coming off me in 9fb9a6f94ae6ded7e66fdce7907c6410waves that screams “MENTALLY ILL”? Am I exhausting to be around or unpredictable, have I changed since I was first diagnosed? Do I feel safe to be with? Do people feel sorry for me? Or do people think I’m making a load of fuss over nothing?

I felt that at least when I had anorexia, I knew which of my behaviours were irrational and unhealthy. BPD is much more confusing.

I was watching a programme about schizophrenia last night with my sister and it made me have so much respect for those who want to get better. I mean, I guess all of us in treatment are fighting our own thoughts, but when those thoughts sound like someone else’s too? How can you tell what behaviour is expected of you?

I felt like my therapist today was trying to open my eyes to my problems, trying to tell me that I wasn’t functioning on a par with the rest of the world and the sooner I admit it the better. This week I’m monitoring emotions and trying to figure out what they all mean and what physical effect they have. Is it common not to understand?

So, as you see, I’m full of questions and I’m very interested to hear about your experiences too.


5 thoughts on “Questions

  1. What is normal? Before my son died 14 weeks ago I never had any mental health problems, and the medical team although wonderful are reluctant to diagnose a ‘problem’, after all you can’t ‘fix’ grief. So i’m stuck in the limbo of fixing the symptoms but not fixing the issue. There are no triggers and I don’t know if i’ll be this way forever, what I do know is that is how i’m feeling now, and right now i can’t be ‘fixed’.


  2. I do sometimes wonder how I come across to other people, particularly when I’m going through an “off” day/ week. Even in the supermarket, my thought processes can lead me to go round the store in an illogical order and backwards and forwards, and then I’ll find myself staring at something for ages with a frown on my face or changing direction mid-aisle to avoid someone/ something. I sometimes wonder if my behaviours make me look suspicious to the staff!

    And then I also wonder how my close friends perceive me, and think I must come across as bizarre sometimes, in how I can freak out over nothing, or have quite extreme mood swings so come across very differently at different times. Certain people I was friends with have accused me in the past of being weird, strange or creepy, but then again I think they had their own MH problems contributing to them seeing me like that. It plays on my mind though that maybe I am weird and creepy and just don’t realise it, and it makes me question myself as to whether each thing I do/ say/ feel is “normal” because I’ve only ever been me so I don’t know how other people experience and react to the world!

    But, having said all of that, people on the whole are a funny kind of species, and just sitting people-watching for a few minutes can show how lots of people do slightly weird or eccentric things all the time. People are just complicated and all very different. Maybe we’re just more aware of our eccentricities because of treatment and having had things pointed out to us, and because we’re both over-thinkers? It’s probably something we can never know for sure, because, as I said, we have only ever seen the world through our eyes, and if that view has always been a bit messed up, we’ve nothing else to compare it to!

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  3. I wonder how I come off to people when I am fragile. But I mostly hang around the house during these times. Seriously, though, what is that saying? “If you knew how little other people were thinking of you compared to what you thought, you’d be amazed.” I think most people are wrapped up in their own stuff. If they see anything unusual in us, they might give it a passing thought, but that is all.

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  4. When I look at you I see someone who has it together, has wonderful self-reflection and is more aware of their actions and emotions than most of the people I know. I don’t know if that is because I’m not seeing what is really going on, or if I only see you when you are feeling strong and together.
    But I wonder about that too. I’ve spent so long hiding how I really feel from people and I wonder if they can see through it all to what is really going on in my head. Monitoring emotions and their physical effect is definitely something that everyone could benefit from. I feel like so many people ignore their emotions, caught up in the belief that they are ‘fine’ and if they ignore the symptoms then maybe they won’t have a problem at all. Some of my friends are on anti-depressants, and it seems to me that they just push the symptoms deep inside, so you can pretend that nothing is wrong, but as soon as you stop taking them all the problems come to the surface. I’m a big believer in self-reflection and taking the time to work through what is going on in your head and body. There’s so much information and mental stimulation being thrown at us constantly, never giving us a moment to sit quietly and get to know who we actually are.

    Liked by 1 person

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