I have a question for other people who suffer or have suffered from Mental Health issues: do you feel like you’re a bit scewed?
Often I can go through life feeling entirely with it and that I’m functioning “normally” but then something will hit me and I feel completely off centre. Then I start panicking about what other people see when they look at me. Do I seem anxious, on edge, ticky, sad, depressed, hyper? Is something coming off me in waves that screams “MENTALLY ILL”? Am I exhausting to be around or unpredictable, have I changed since I was first diagnosed? Do I feel safe to be with? Do people feel sorry for me? Or do people think I’m making a load of fuss over nothing?
I felt that at least when I had anorexia, I knew which of my behaviours were irrational and unhealthy. BPD is much more confusing.
I was watching a programme about schizophrenia last night with my sister and it made me have so much respect for those who want to get better. I mean, I guess all of us in treatment are fighting our own thoughts, but when those thoughts sound like someone else’s too? How can you tell what behaviour is expected of you?
I felt like my therapist today was trying to open my eyes to my problems, trying to tell me that I wasn’t functioning on a par with the rest of the world and the sooner I admit it the better. This week I’m monitoring emotions and trying to figure out what they all mean and what physical effect they have. Is it common not to understand?
So, as you see, I’m full of questions and I’m very interested to hear about your experiences too.