Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written – had a mega busy couple of weeks with maybe a bit of a stress meltdown, but lots of fun too. I also turned 30 in this time.
Now, loads of people have asked me how I’ve felt, what with being another decade older and all, and the answer is, honestly, mixed but mostly massively relieved. My 20s were pretty tough. I started them in a pretty damaging, controlling relationship, which coloured the rest of the decade in that I was low on self-esteem and afraid of life (whereas before I was brimming with confidence – promise!). I never really settled in a job, had massive panic attacks, suffered with anorexia and bouts of depression. Not that it was all bad – I did a journalism course and made some amazing friends, I met the man I love whose love has sustained me through tough times and I’ve embarked on some pretty awesome therapy. I’ve found that I love editing and proofreading in that time too.
All these things have helped me be quite excited about turning 30. I was spoiled rotten by my boyfriend on the day. I had a party and was surrounded by people I love. I can, for the first time in ages, see some happiness in the future: a family, my friends, a healthy mind.
But I’m also worried that I’m leaving it too late to have kids, that I have no career compared to my peers, that I had a panic attack yesterday because I can’t cope with even the lightest touch of stress. I still get confused by emotions, I still am not my own biggest fan (I’m sure I’m an innately bad person but I’m being told otherwise) and I am still scared of life. Of growing old too I guess. But, when I look at this, I think, ‘Isn’t everyone afraid of these things?’ And I remember I’m doing OK.
Here’s to getting older and wiser.