Lately, talking to people who know me well, I realise that therapy must be helping – I’m doing OK.
Twice my big sister told me how maturely I’ve acted recently with situations that in the past I’ve struggled with. For example, I walked away from a situation that was making me unhappy and anxious. I felt that everyone would be angry at me for letting people down, think I was cowardly, selfish or feel ashamed of me. I guess that’s how I felt about myself, but I had to put my health and stability first. But everyone else perceived it as a good choice. Not selfish but self aware. A brave stand when people were treating me unkindly. I was gobsmacked!
Now I’ve emerged from a big of a detached period, I can see that I’ve not self-harmed for ages, I’m making enough money to go on holiday in a few weeks and I’m making the effort to see people. I’m still getting super anxious but I’m generally fighting it and coming out winning. So instead of focusing on the areas that I’m still finding hard, it’s interesting to see it from the outside and look at where I’m achieving. And it’s such a different picture and, if only I could do that more often, I think I could be quite proud of myself. And feeling that helps me face my fears more, forgive the past more and be a little bit more…me. Slowly.
I’ve recently spoken to a few people who are afraid of therapy or who have decided it won’t do them any good, even though they are struggling in their various ways. And of course, I know that it isn’t a one size fits all thing, everyone reacts to things differently, but I’m so grateful for having had the opportunities to tackle my mental health issues. Maybe group therapy hasn’t suited me, but both for my anorexia and my BPD, the one-to-one therapy has been a life saver. Literally. I just feel it is always worth giving a shot. It’s hard, it hurts but, for me, the pieces are coming back together. Bits might fall of again, but that’s OK because I’m still fighting.