I’m getting to a point where I’m quite tired of my therapy. I feel like the group therapy isn’t helping me and is becoming the anxiety high point of my week. It’s lovely to see others progressing in the group but I feel like a fraud being there. I almost don’t feel a part of it. While others are saying it’s the only place they can be themselves, to me it feels like somewhere I want to hide from. Somewhere I’ve got to try to be sympathetic and friendly, when a lot of the time I want to sit in the corner and stay silent. I contribute often when I don’t really want to because, when others aren’t ready, I want to spare the awkward silences and so I say things I’m not sure I really want to and I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to work. When there is something I want to share, I often find other people have more important things to say. We do a lot of role play, which I’m too cynical about. So maybe it’s just my attitude that needs to change.
My individual therapy, I think, is working. But often I wonder if the Schema model works for me, sometimes we seem to sidetrack off. Sometimes I feel like I just go in and moan but don’t actually tackle anything outside of the room. I guess being treated for BPD when sometimes I feel I’m just depressed ( a word not used in the schema vocabulary) I wonder why I’m there.
Finally, I’m thinking of stopping writing this blog. Again, I feel like it’s turned into a bit of a personal moan when I wanted it to be something more helpful for other people suffering from mental illnesses or who know people with them. I think I’ve lost sight of that and I’m a bit lost as to where to take it.
Sorry if this seems a negative rant – I’m not really in a bad place at all! Maybe therapy has helped me so much, that’s why it doesn’t feel as useful anymore…