Where I’m at

I’m getting to a point where I’m quite tired of my therapy. I feel like the group therapy isn’t helping me and is becoming the anxiety high point of my week. It’s lovely to see others progressing in the group but I feel like a fraud being there. I almost don’t feel a part of it. While others are saying it’s the only place they can be themselves, to me it feels like somewhere I want to hide from. Somewhere I’ve got to try to be sympathetic and friendly, when a lot of the time I want to sit in the corner and stay silent. I contribute often when I don’t really want to because, when others aren’t ready, I want to spare the awkward silences and so I say things I’m not sure I really want to and I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to work. When there is something I want to share, I often find other people have more important things to say. We do a lot of role play, which I’m too cynical about. So maybe it’s just my attitude that needs to change.

My individual therapy, I think, is working. But often I wonder if the Schema model works for me, sometimes we seem to sidetrack off. Sometimes I feel like I just go in and moan but don’t actually tackle anything outside of the room. I guess being treated for BPD when sometimes I feel I’m just depressed ( a word not used in the schema vocabulary) I wonder why I’m there.

Finally, I’m thinking of stopping writing this blog. Again, I feel like it’s turned into a bit of a personal moan when I wanted it to be something more helpful for other people suffering from mental illnesses or who know people with them. I think I’ve lost sight of that and I’m a bit lost as to where to take it.

Sorry if this seems a negative rant – I’m not really in a bad place at all! Maybe therapy has helped me so much, that’s why it doesn’t feel as useful anymore…



One thought on “Where I’m at

  1. I’ve been in therapy for 12 years and I still desperately need it. How do I know? When I stop going and stop taking my medicine (because my emotions are tricking me telling me I’m feeling better) I spiral out of control. I came to the conclusion years ago that therapy and my therapist and my medication are the tools I need in order to navigate my life. Good luck and don’t stop writing! I just stumbled upon you today and want to keep reading!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s