Happy 2016 everybody!
I had an amazing festive period – one of the best I’ve had in years. Lots of booze, food, games, gifts and loved ones. I really hope you all did too!
…then I hit the reality of normal life and felt a bit sad again. In fact, it was one of the worst January blues feelings ever – I felt anxious and nervous about it and struggled to sleep on Sunday night.
But I have so much to look forward to this year so I’m determined not to sink so low. I have a wedding to plan and I’m going to work more on getting my own business up and running – nothing is going to hold me back.
We had our first group therapy session back after Christmas today – and the frequency has reduced. The sessions will be fortnightly (as will the individual sessions) and they will reduce further in six months. Basically, we’re being prepared to be set loose into the real world again. There are some fears around abandonment, how people will cope without the group and without therapy – myself though, I mostly feel punitive about not having worked hard enough at changing so far. Halfway through and what the hell have I done with it? Why am I there? In many ways I want everyone there to hate me so that I can disappear from the whole thing easily.
But we each wrote out some aims for this year in therapy and mine is mostly to focus on wanting to get rid of my punitive parent mode. To try and really realise that it being there is not essential to me – that some evil inner self won’t emerge if I don’t criticise and punish myself.
I also want to get better at saying ‘no’ more often and to steer myself away from trying to damage the good things in my life. All these aims seem a bit scary to me but I think they might just be manageable.
Also, 2016, it has a good ring about it, don’t you think?