It’s been a long time since I wrote. Indeed so long, my name has changed from Mason to Ford!
Basically, I’ve not written because I thought I was coping well and I was happy and could think of nothing worth writing about but the build up and aftermath of my wedding have shown that maybe that’s not quite true. Don’t get me wrong – the wedding was everything I could have ever dreamed of and my husband is the most wonderful man in the world but the stress leading up to the day and what it represented really got to me.
First of all, I stopped taking my medication because I got it into my head that if I was taking them, I wouldn’t experience the day to its emotional maximum. Not my smartest ever idea because I forget that my anxiety rockets whenever I decide to wean myself off them.
Secondly, with my fear of giving up independence stemming from many things in my past, including an abusive ex, I guess I was afraid. I kept drinking too much and generally acting like an idiot for a couple of months beforehand. My heart was pumping too fast constantly and I really began to dislike myself and feel I didn’t deserve the happiness my relationship was giving me. But my husband is worth the fear and helps me battle my negative self. My BPD had me mood flipping like crazy between approval seeking, impulsivity, self-hatred, vulnerability and disassociation. I could feel my healthy self (much like my dress in the pic below) unravelling and I was clinging on to my sanity by a thread. It proved to me that I’ve not been taking my therapy seriously – I’ve not been working hard enough to actually improve myself between sessions and I think I’ve been quite flippant about the whole process. Now I know, at least, exactly what I want to tackle but this therapy trial I’m on is nearly over. I think I’ll look for something more afterwards.
But the wedding was amazing and I’ve felt so much more secure since. But I need to learn from how badly I was feeling and realise that I still have a lot to tackle. I’ve also struggled with my anorexic thoughts of late. On the build up to the wedding, the stress caused me to lose weight, and putting that back on since is a battle I’m winning but with a loud anorexic voice screaming at me for being greedy all the while.
I’m getting there – I’ve come far – but I do need to be more aware of my triggers and my pitfalls. I’m just so lucky to have married the man who can help lead me step by step to a healthy future.