It’s been a long time since I’ve written and I feel like it’s been a big time for me. After two consecutive massive mood dips, I’ve made a lot of choices about what I want to aim for, what is going to make me happy in my life. Plans are in place, some not exactly implemented but certainly, I can feel things are changing and I feel like I know myself better. I was a bit lost until the last few weeks and I’ve felt torn between two selves. Now I feel more confident as to which is actually me.
And I think what’s given rise to all this thinking is that today I had my very last therapy session in the Schema Therapy model. Having not really got on with my last individual therapist or with the workings of group therapy, the lady I’ve had for the last few months has been immense and has sensitively yet forcefully brought me through some traumatic memories and has helped me put a plan together to keep my ‘healthy adult’ close.
- Talking to people about my feelings. With her help, I’ve picked out four people who feel safe to talk to and who I think won’t judge me by my worst self, so I no longer have to rely on therapy. It should also help me let people closer.
- To remember that my punitive side is not always right and I need to want to tackle it and not always fall back on the critical voice in my head.
- To try new things and discover what I like. Connect to the moment when I detach.
- Exhaustion from doing too much makes me depressive. Doing too little makes me feel worthless – find a healthy balance. Saying ‘no’ is OK.
- Things that happened to me in the past are not my fault. Don’t let the past ruin the now.
And I’m confident and ready to move on and stop relying on having therapy and ‘problems’ to fall back on. I can be my own person without these things.
So there we have it – one journey over and another beginning. I was never massively convinced that I was comfortable with the ‘borderline personality disorder’ label to start with (I don’t mean as a disorder, I just wan’t sure I fit too many of the symptoms – or maybe I was just missing the anger I still associate with it) – now it doesn’t feel like me at all. I know where my flaws lie, what my triggers are and what my behaviours are when I’m struggling or scared and I have enough faith in myself and the people around me that I can keep getting stronger and happier.