One of my main fears, as I learn how to deal with my mental health issues (I’m not saying recover – I think it’s starting to sound like the wrong word, the older I get) is that I will use them as an excuse for being afraid, or even being lazy.
So, for example, I know I really struggle working in an office environment 9-5 so I work from home. I’ve tried a few times in the past but not been able to do them for more than a few months before the panic, insomnia, lack of appetite, obsessing and the decapacitating lack of self-esteem sets in. But every now and then I wonder about the jobs I could have excelled in (sorry if that sounds arrogant) and wonder if it really is anxiety/depression that has held me back or just the same fear that everyone else feels but pushes themselves through? Should I try again or will I go down the same route? Or even worse than being afraid, is it just plain laziness that stops me? Is it just that I’m too used to my routines now to push myself out of them? But then I also have to ask: does it matter? If I don’t want to work an office job all the time, why should I have to? And I enjoy my work so why am I even questioning it anyway, except that sometimes I feel like such a fraud…And breathe…
It’s interesting because I have quite a few friends who seem to be going through something similar at the moment. Who aren’t finding the right careers for them, or at least, are questioning their worth. And it makes me wonder about the whole 9-5 work ethic. I mean, who exactly is that meant to suit anyway? Thank goodness more places are becoming more flexible! But how is it that so many people are suffering from inferiority complexes and imposter syndrome? Why are workplaces/colleagues/schools not making us feel more capable – because, rationally, I think most of us know that we are and then some. But we can’t stop comparing ourselves to our peers and everyone else seems to have it together more than we do. Well, let me tell you, they don’t. Well, yeah, ok, some of them do but they’re obviously not human.
So, in other (though connected) news, I’ve given up my therapist. I was questioning her use to me anyway. She was amazing at the start and really helped me but I feel like our paths were diverging. I felt like going there was giving me excuses by delving into past events and using those for reasons for why I act like I do, rather than giving me tools to confront, well, myself really. I’m totally not criticising her – she was brilliant – just not our compatibility at this juncture. I think I’m at a point now where only I can help myself. But to do that I need to be super brave. And, oh god, what if that pushes me back into the dark place?
So I’m going through a naval-gazing sort of time but I feel like I’m going to come out of it with a plan of action that is going to help me be more unstoppable than ever before. Just once I’ve remembered how to control my breathing. 😉